Are you aware? National Multiple Births Awareness Day

Today is our day to celebrate and share the fun and the freaky when it comes to raising multiples. Of course people are “aware” of multiples…but are they really aware? My personal experience after having hundreds of conversations with people who do not have multiples is that it is safe to say they just really… are not. No offence to them. It is hard for people to understand and make appropriate conclusions when they haven’t lived the life or walked two or three miles in a multiple parent’s shoes.

If you’re a multiples parent, how many times have you heard “It’s no harder than having two single babies”? In my head I may sometimes be yelling, “Bite your tongue! Bite your tongue!” I usually choose the high road. Usually. Depending on the situation and who I am talking to I might paint a picture of the very early days, the NICU stay, the outright crazy fears we lived with daily for weeks at a time, then the awesome NICU graduation days that came and of course all the amazing things that have taken place since. I might be able to sum it up in 15 minutes. Do you have time to spare?

What I do find hard about being a MoM is that sometimes, without knowing it, people tend to diminish or downplay the experience of having twins. It can be like a slap across the face. On the average day do I care if people are aware that I have twins? No. But on those days when I have two little guys freaking out in a grocery store because I had no choice but to bring them along and someone says something completely silly at the most inopportune time or smiles and says “double the trouble”…I wonder what possesses them to say such an unhelpful or quite obvious thing to a mother who is obviously struggling, probably mortified and just wants to get out of there without feeling like a circus show?

This is where other parents of multiples come in. They get it. Definitely. No doubt about it. They know what it’s like to be adamant about nursing two babies at one time. Yup, us multiples moms do try it…some stick with it…others make the decision that best suits their family’s needs. And that’s okay! There is no judgement, just a lot of positive support and advice. Try this. Do that. This worked for me. Did you hear of this new product for twins?

There is a huge level of camaraderie in the multiples world. It amazes me! Mothers and Dads (we need more Dads in on this action) across Canada unite through Multiple Births Canada, local Chapters and other fun, supportive groups with multiples on the mind. They are communicating on Facebook groups, Twitter, networks and email, all in order to create friendships and bonds with other multiples families. We celebrate each other’s triumphs, like NICU graduations or starting JK, making it through those first hard years without going bonkers. We lift each other’s spirits when sometimes life just seems to be too stressful, messy and tiring when it comes to raising multiples and sometimes more. We take photos of awesome double and triple strollers we find in consignment shops and garage sales, uploading them ASAP to our social networks. “Check this out twin moms! Hurry before this awesome stroller is gone.” We stand in grocery store aisles and message our social networks, knowing that at any given moment someone will be there and can look up a recipe for you because you actually forgot your grocery list at home. We send out mass emails to let our MoM friends know where the best deal on diapers is for that week. I had a singleton and I can reflect on that experience and confidently say there just wasn’t the same type of support going on between “singleton” moms (maybe that’s just me.)

So today I thank all the multiples parents I’ve met, who have supported me along the way, had a laugh with me and shared a hug when I needed it. You are an awesome bunch of people to have something in common with and I’m grateful to be part of such an inspiring “club.”

Happy National Multiple Births Awareness Day!

Cuddle Time: Kangaroo Care and Your Preemie

Today is International Kangaroo Care Awareness Day. Honestly it seems to be each week there is something to bring to the forefront of peoples’ minds when it comes to the world of prematurity and to be quite honest, I think that’s perfectly okay!

Last week I got the amazing opportunity to speak on a local radio station during a radiothon for a local child development centre and I discussed how the parents of preterm infants really end up thinking about all the smallest, finest details of how to parent and care for their small, fragile babies. From the moment they are born we are on alert and want to protect and do anything we can to keep our babies from harm, as well as do anything we can to help them grow and progress in order to go home.

This is where Kangaroo Care comes in. Kangaroo Care is not a new concept, but it has been growing in practice in North American neonatal intensive care units. As the years go by there is more research indicating the close skin-to-skin touch between a mother and baby or father and baby really does wonders for the well-being of the preterm or NICU baby, as well as for the mental health of the parents. When babies are held in kangaroo fashion, which is usually just in a diaper and held snuggly against the parent’s bare chest the babies are found to have more regular breathing (less apnea) and heart beat (less bradycardias) patterns and therefore less desats(low blood oxygen) episodes. It seems that this close contact with the parent stimulates the baby’s body and neurological system, making it seem as though the baby is protected as it would have been had the baby still been in utero.  This is one mom with three preemies’ thought anyway.

I recall the first time I got to “officially” hold my baby as though it was yesterday. It was actually 5 years ago, but I remember the setting, the sounds, the whole surreal feeling I was having in this place we were suddenly calling home; The NICU. In that dimly lit, private room I was finally able to hold my baby and get to know him, while reclining in a chair and holding my baby snug as a kangaroo (a bug?), close to my skin and tucked in for a nap for the first time. He was 5 days old, but finally Mommy and Baby were together as we were meant to be. I ended up snuggling with him for close to an hour that first time. My husband was giddy with excitement to finally get to hold him like this when the next turn came around.

The Kangaroo Care experience was peaceful. When we were sitting like that in the early days, getting to know our baby, that is when we were able to accomplish much of our much needed bonding that had to be put on hold for a few days anyway.

Two years later we were well-versed on the value of Kangaroo Care and you didn’t have to tell me twice that it was time to begin Kangaroo Care with the twins when they were finally healthy enough. I mentioned how great Kangaroo Care is for the mental health, but it is also helps parents release the tension they may be holding in their bodies. I remember walking around feeling tense; this tension in my chest (real or imagined, whatever) and as soon as I was holding each baby closely I could truly feel that tension release.

So if you find yourself in a NICU and questioning the point of doing Kangaroo Care or if you feel shy or embarrassed for whatever reason, I suggest giving it a go anyway. Talk to your baby’s nurse about wanting to do Kangaroo Care and to discuss when the time is right. Then when it's time, pull that curtain closed, have your own comfortable button up shirt (that you’ll wear backward) ready and waiting, which you’ll use to wrap the baby in, rather than a hospital gown. It’s worth a shot and you might be surprised how relieved you feel and you’ll see your baby respond practically immediately.

A couple of special notes to be aware of: Sometimes babies will need additional time to mature and be well enough to take out of the incubator to do Kangaroo Care. Be patient and don’t give up during that waiting process. The opportunity to bond with your baby in this way is not one that should be dismissed. To put it in perspective: I didn't get to hold Preemie 1 until 5 days old, Preemie 2 until 14 days old (hey, today is that anniversary--3 years ago!) and Preemie 3 really had me in a holding pattern, because I didn't get to hold him until he was 24 days old! The waiting periods were worth it! The first time I held each of my babies it was for formal Kangaroo Care.

Nowadays you can buy a snug wrap, which was purposely designed for Kangaroo Care. I didn't have that option at the time and I used a backward hospital gown or my own button up shirts worn backward and they did the trick. Once your baby is tucked in, you can also ask a nurse to tuck a blanket over you and your baby for additional warmth if needed. To avoid "boredom" while doing Kangaroo Care, bring a book to read.

Most Popular

People often ask me what are some of the most popular topics people check out on this blog. So here are the two most popular. The picture of my twins' diapers, size by size, gets me every time!

Diaper Backward Spells Repaid

"Discharge" -- A spectacular word!

I'll follow up with more popular posts in the coming weeks.

I'm a Home Run Hitter

I’m a homerun hitter in this game called Parenting. That’s right. Some days I practically “hit the ball out of the park” with my parenting skills…but (of course there’s a but) then there are other days…those bleak days…where it’s three strikes and I’m out and I haven’t even finished my morning cup of cold coffee yet.

Last week I took part in a workshop, put on by a local social service agency in partnership with the POMBA I am part of. The workshop was on Positive Parenting and Raising Responsible Children (us multiples moms and dads need all the advice we can get!) The facilitator used a baseball analogy in her explanation of positive parenting, which I will explain shortly.

We all want to raise awesome children and give them all we can to achieve success…but we learned maybe that is not exactly the right approach. We need to let children make mistakes, as painful as it may be to watch happen. We need to let them learn from their experiences, not clear the path or fight their battles for them, while thinking we are doing them a favour. We talked about the importance of give and take when it comes to the parent and child relationship. We heard about the reasons why children may seem to be “misbehaving,” when perhaps in fact they are having a hard time verbalizing or expressing what it is that’s actually making them react in ways we consider “bad.” We also learned from other parents’ reactions we are not alone when we wonder where the heck The Parenting Manual is and why didn’t we get training before we had multiples running around the neighbourhood when the lights are out and all the other kids are home in their beds?? Okay, that’s a slight exaggeration, but only slight.

The facilitator of this workshop discussed the importance of understanding the difference between praise and encouragement. Another key thought was to consider the difference between punishment and discipline.  At first glance I am sure many parents, including myself might think these words are one in the same, just a different way to state them…but with further explanation many of us had our “a-ha moments” going off one by one through the session.

For starters the facilitator explained a concept called STEP – Systematic Training for Effective Parenting. The main point that drove it home (like a homerun) for me was praise is used to reward only for well-done, completed tasks. From this the child begins to develop the ideal that “to be worthwhile I must meet your standards,” allowing the child to develop unrealistic standards and measure worth by how closely the child reaches the parents’ perceived level of perfection. From here children learn to dread failure. On the flip side, in comparison, encouragement is when a child is recognized for effort and improvement. The child internalizes the idea that he or she does not have to be perfect and that efforts and improvements are valued and important. Based on this type of repetitive experience the child learns to accept his/her and others’ efforts. It also enables a child to learn discipline and persistence to stay on task.

Bringing up the rear were the concepts of punishment versus discipline. I thought, Aren’t they the same?…one just seems to have a meaner tone? I looked it up, because that’s what I do, and yes, they do have similar meanings…but “discipline” is also defined as activities, exercises or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training.

During the workshop, “punishment” was outlined as our belief that we must teach a life lesson and that a punishment, such as taking something away will make the child think before acting next time or “suffer the consequences.” You may randomly take something away, that has nothing to do with the problem or situation and will make no sense to the upset child. That sounds scary and frustrating…Then on the other hand is the concept of discipline, which is to train the child by working with him/her to develop effective strategies for expressing their emotions and managing behaviour to avoid grocery store mid-aisle meltdowns for all to see (and judge.) 

To discipline, you have to work at achieving your own skill of understanding a child’s reasons for behaviour and misbehaviour, use firmness and kindness in your approach, look for solutions and alternatives. The ultimate goal is to teach the child self-discipline. In other words don’t start screaming and yelling, thinking you’re going to help the already frustrating situation. In this sense you’re really reverting to child-like mannerisms because you can’t get your point across. I get it…but it’s going to take a lot of practice to make it right…and ultimately this whole concept of parenting indicates we should not strive for “perfection,” but rather a balance of confidence in our abilities and a willingness to persevere and try again next time.

To close, the way the facilitator of the workshop summed up these ideas is that when you start to learn to play baseball, you don’t immediately know how to swing and hit a ball, or pitch and throw a strike. This was my a-ha moment, after playing many, many summer baseball seasons over the years, I knew what she meant. I realized this idea of baseball is similar to learning to parent; these are all things that take time, dedication and potentially many mistakes along the way to become as good a parent as you can be. Rarely does a pitcher ever throw a perfect game and so it’s reasonable to think parents will make mistakes, feel like they should be thrown out of the Parenting game and maybe even take themselves out of the game for a few minutes to collect themselves and then start again with a fresh approach.

This post can also be found on another blog site, How Do You Do It?, where moms of multiples tell it like it is. It is a network and collection of blog posts written by other multiple moms living in Canada and the United States. Stop by and have a look inside the minds of many other parents of multiples. We may have had two or more babies at one time, but so much of the parenting experiences are the same as every other parent, so it's well worth a visit.  Happy reading!

I Survived an Earthquake! Parents of Preemies Day 2013.

One June afternoon the earth moved, the ground shook and the building I sat in swayed. For several moments I thought I was losing my mind, and then I thought I must be having a stroke, and then the shaking stopped almost as sudden as it began. I slowly crept out of my room and looked in the hall. No one was there. I was alone. I walked down the stairs for fear of becoming trapped in the elevator if the shaking started again. I wasn’t sure I had it right…had I just sat through an earthquake…or was I really losing my marbles? Everything seemed pretty usual down on the main floor of the building I was living. Nothing was tipped over or broken, but then I began to come across a few people here and there who had experienced what I had. I was not alone. Others in the building had absolutely no clue what I was talking about and didn’t understand what I or some of the others had felt. Those of us who did experience this unusual moment immediately began to recount our experiences and compared our stories. We wanted others to know what we had actually just lived through.

Does this sound familiar? It’s comparable to the rocky experience we preemie parents go through when our babies show up too soon and then afterward when we want to share our experience with the world. When my premature babies came along, I wondered, How could this actually be happening?…then Why did this happen to our babies…and there were days I wondered, Did this really just happen? Is this my reality? I found it hard to connect with other parents in the NICU because many of them, through no fault of their own, were not able to stay close by and so their babies were there with the nursing staff, while I was there pretty much every day chatting with our nurses, hanging out in quiet areas of the hospital and willing my babies to get better and be well enough to come home. I did find some great friends in the NICU— two other preemie mommies—whose babies were going through very similar struggles as our twins.  The three of us mothers were also there longer than many who came after us and left before us, so we shared that common bond as well. We “got” each others’ emotions; we could read each others’ faces…and minds. We knew each other’s deepest fears, without having to say a word. We were a mini support network without a label.

Eventually the three of our families made our way out of the NICU, each of us having experienced very trying times, although the reasons and exact experiences that led us to the NICU were very different. The main bond was the experience in the NICU—the emotions, the fears and finally the triumphs. I am glad to be able to call these two awesome moms my friends. 

Little did I know that day of the earthquake, June 23, 2010, which was almost two months into our twins’ NICU stay that I would be writing about it to compare the experience to the life changing experience of a NICU stay. I also didn’t know how much opportunity would arise after we came home from the NICU. I write this blog not only for parents of preemies and multiples, but for others who are curious or just want to know more about how to help families with premature children and how to identify with their unique needs.  After having 3 preemie kids my life was forever changed and I wanted to help parents going through the same preterm birth experience. The most common thing I hear from other parents of preemie babies is they compare it to a rollercoaster or some kind of a natural disaster—a tornado, a tsunami…an earthquake. It’s a life altering experience that can include the scariest moments of a person’s life. Ever.

Today is the 2^nd Annual Parents of Preemies Day and I am happy to wish all my preemie parent friends a wonderful day and a virtual high five for kicking adversity in the butt and fighting through it all in the name of your babies. It’s a huge challenge, which in my case has been the greatest challenge of my life! Parents of preemies deserve a pat on the back and congratulations for making it through and for building a support network around themselves for when the going gets tough even after leaving the NICU because discharging a baby home doesn’t always mean parents have a well-baby at home.

So, to all the Parents of Preemies, I wish you much happiness today and for the future of your amazing families. 

Happy Parents of Preemies Day 2013!

Twintrospectives is 2 Years Old!

I'm two years into writing my blog and I can hardly believe how quickly the time has flown by, as well as how fast my little preemie guys have been growing right in front of me!

When I started this blog my main goal was to be able to think out loud (or in text) and share my thoughts and opinions, trials and tribulations of raising three busy little boys, as well as the ups and downs of raising preterm babies.  I think it is safe to say I achieved this basic goal. I have reached people all over the world; Japan, Ukraine, Germany, Philippines, Ireland, Australia, Belarus, Russia, Canada, USA and so many more. It amazes me every day to see how many people are dealing with raising twins, preterm kids or are just interested in learning more about this amazing and inspiring world of prematurity.

When I started blogging what I didn't realize was how many people I would reach, how many new friendships I'd make and collaborations that would come from them and all in the name of prematurity awareness. It's awesome and I love this online, world-wide community I have found.

Taking my blog details to blog hops and onto Twitter has been so much fun and they've taught me so much about other parents and their experiences raising multiples, their prematurity experiences, parenting issues, questions and concerns, as well as the true camaraderie you can find by sharing these experiences.

Here's a little rundown of my first 2 years in the blog world:

In the summer of 2011 I wrote the first Parent Perspective blog post for Peek-a-boo ICU's blog, thanks to one awesome NICU nurse, Jodi, who gave me this opportunity. The topic I wrote about was pseudomonas aeruginosa. She also hosted my blog on her preemie parents blog roll for quite some time. I'm very grateful to her for the opportunity! Jodi also included my 3 precious preemies in her first photo compilation video, released around Mother's Day 2011. Here it is on the Peek-a-boo ICU YouTube Channel http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wbr-X75iqOA. My little guys are seen in the hospital, as well as you'll see them in Future Heartbreakers red shirts, and again in blue bunny ears.

In October 2011 I was honoured to receive an online "award" called the Liebster Award from a woman by the name of Sharon in the NYC area. Sharon is a journalist and writes her own blog http://mamadoitall.blogspot.com. Right around the same time a "Blog on Fire" award came along. Although these are not tangible awards to put up on my mantle, they are very meaningful in that there are people out there taking the time to read certain blogs and letting fellow bloggers know, "Hey, you're doing a great job. Keep going!" I think the fact blog readers go out of their way to tell other bloggers they're doing well is such a great testament to what the blogging world is all about.  I'm very thankful for it.

Through Twitter and information sharing on prematurity and NICU support groups, Facebook pages and commentary on websites and blogs, I have connected with some pretty amazing multiple and preterm parents. I learned of The Painted Diaper, which popped up not long after the earthquake occurred in Haiti in 2010. This was another preemie mommy, determined to assist with the purchase and placement of a warming bed for preterm infants in Haiti. I also found a home on her blog roll. http://www.thepainteddiaper.com/

One thing I know about being a mom of preterm kids is this immediate urge to help others get through the stress and trauma of dealing with preterm infants in the NICU, as well as the aftercare experience - from how to get comfortable with feeding your baby through a tube at home without nurses around to dealing with all kinds of therapies and learning how to answer crazy questions coming from complete strangers.

In 2012 I found new connections with Multiple Births Canada and currently have an opinion blog post listed on their Media Inquiries page in relation to the EI Parental Leave for Multiple Births Families (in Canada) http://multiplebirthscanada.org/index.php/about-us/media-inquiries/

Most recently I blogged for the Canadian NICU Support Foundation on the topic of making it through the NICU with twins. http://cnsfoundation.blogspot.ca/

My blog hasn't been about making money or promoting products. That's not to say I wouldn't consider this if it was the right kind of product or idea, so I am definitely open to it. I did join Mom Central Canada as a blogger member quite some time ago and in February an invite came around that made sense for me to attend. I was able to head to the Eaton Centre in Toronto to attend Sears' Carter's Osk Kosh Launch Media Event, which several other "mommy bloggers" were invited to. There were about 20 of us there to meet the executive team that brought the line to Sears Canada. Carter's and Osk Kosh are actually my go-to brands of children's clothing because of their fun lines that come out each season and their durability, so I couldn't pass up this opportunity to meet other moms and of course...Shop!! I got to take some photos, make some new connections and share some fun new clothes with my kids when I got home that day. Here's the Carter's Osh Kosh line at Sears http://www.sears.ca/catalog/oshkosh-bgosh/100000776


And finally, because I am not already busy enough blogging for myself, my place of employment and other opportunities that I can get my hands on...I've started writing over at How Do You Do It? since this is a question I am asked on a daily basis by those who know me and complete strangers. http://www.hdydi.com/

I'm looking forward to many more years to come on Twintrospectives and I'm already planning some ideas for 2013. This month I will do a rundown of some of the more popular posts and add to or reflect on some of the ideas in them as well.

Thank you for reading and sending your friends and family my way.

Twintrospectives

Half the cost?

So last week I was driving into an underground parking lot and didn’t see the overhanging sign must have come loose and was left hanging on an odd angle after a brutal wind storm we had last week. Only when I heard the terrifying screech of metal on metal, did I realize what had happened. It was a fluke and it was all about timing as I drove under the sign and heard that grinding noise kick in.  It pretty much peeled back a chunk of the metal on my roof, much like a can opener on a tin can. It was a pretty unusual experience and I was shocked it was even possible to happen to me or anybody. It was just a matter of chance.

I didn’t have time for a random accident like this, let alone time to call in an insurance claim, but you gotta do what you gotta do.  I called it in and they told me to take it to a specific auto repair shop on their list of recommended places. So in I went the very next day. Considering it’s been -17 degrees Celsius more often than not for the past two weeks, I figure this unwanted moon roof that doesn’t actually close is top priority and since it’s covered by insurance I’ll get it handled A.S.A.P.

So I dropped off my car so the auto repair shop could take a look at the damage and waited for a phone call at work.  They did call me toward the end of the day and told me the “damage.” They said my situation is kind of unusual because of where the metal sign started to tear up my car. On closer examination they noticed the metal landed along the windshield seal and damaged that, as well as chipping the top edge of my windshield glass, dragging along the roof and cutting that up. So I knew about the ruined roof, but to be told it also seriously damaged my windshield was a major double whammy. I have a deductible, but I expected my insurance provider would pay the remainder of the cost. No. My insurance company decided the quote to fix the damage was too high and wanted me to take the car to another recommended auto repair shop. Seriously? I’m a busy person.

But off I went to the next best place, according to the insurance company. They too quoted about the same cost to repair the damage.

Do you know what the insurance company told me…the insurance company I’ve been paying thousands of dollars to without a prior claim? They told me they can only cover the cost involved for one issue, not two issues. So I can either have the damaged window fixed to avoid leaks and long term damage or I can decide to fix the gaping hole in my roof. They told me I can choose to cover the remainder (not including the deductible I will also have to pay.)

How silly is that? It’s just not right, right?

So this leads me to fess up and tell you this story is not true, but I hope it makes a point...

The point being that for those of us who pay into Employment Insurance, often for many, many years without ever accessing it (thankfully), and for those of us who happen to become pregnant with twins, it would be reasonable to anticipate an extra boost of support to cover the costs and needs of two babies while a parent or both parents take a Parental Leave. Newborns do much of their development in their first year of life. This is the optimal time for parents to develop confidence in their ability to raise multiples, which is doubly harder to do when one parent is not there or has to go back to work more quickly than he or she had hoped.

Currently there is question as to why parents of multiples should have their Employment Insurance time away from work (Parental Leave) increased to compensate for the birth of more than one child at the same time. My answer is because it only makes sense. Would you want to drive around with a half fixed car because the insurance provider you paid into for years and years tells you they will only pay for half the costs? Driving around in a car with a chunk of its roof missing would be cold, uncomfortable, stressful, not to mention frustrating. Imagine how it can feel for parents who want to do nothing more than give their newborn twins equal attention, which they do deserve from day one, but instead one parent will have to separate themselves from these young babies two or three weeks after they come home? This scenario usually leaves mom to fend for these new little bundles of joy for long periods of time alone. It can be exhausting, stressful, uncomfortable and outright mentally and emotionally draining dividing your attention between two dependent babies.

What those who contest Bill C-464 may be overlooking is that those who pay into and qualify for Employment Insurance for parental benefit are receiving insurance monies, not tax payers’ dollars. There is a difference. They are two different things…just like twins.